Looking Forward


I need a little bit of help here– how do I fill out a college financial aide calculator which bases everything off of “student’s mother and father’s income” when I don’t intend on letting them pay for my college? I fully intend on subsisting on miso soup and not letting them spend a dime on me. I want to be completely free of them. I want none of their debt hanging over my head, plus I want them to be able to retire comfortably. I won’t let my fiancé help me either; he has his own schooling to pay for. I have $16,000 in merit-based scholarships offered to me by the school I plan to attend, and if I could get perhaps $5,000 a year in student-aide, I could make my way on minimum wage, provided I work eight hours per day and five days a week, and I could pay tuition in 48 monthly increments.
If anyone knows how to do this or can give me any other helpful advice for paying for school without the assistance of a student loan, that would be dandy.

-Atl Coaxoch


Hear Us Sing and Say “Whack fol the diddle diddle die diddle day”


Tonight, I was driving through the fog on the country roads, listening to Flogging Molly and Gaelic Storm with my fiance, when it suddenly hit me that I NEED a set of bagpipes.
Would anyone who plays bagpipes please clue me in on good beginning bagpipe makers before I start up begging for a set for Christmas?
Thanks a million~

– Atl Coaxoch

Title Optional


Booming, bassy shouts rip through the panelling,
And I think I hear a body hit the floor through the ceiling above–
My intended and his father.
After, he walks me home part way, then I lumber on alone.
I’m wearing yesterday’s rumpled clothes.
I smell like cat piss and look like a burnout with my hair uncombed and pale face red around the eyes.
The rail road tracks offer more seclusion, so I continue on there, following them homeward.
There are tangles of morning glories among the ruddy rocks and rotting wood, and I’m careful not to crush a single one with my clumsy boots.
The air smells like fennel, and the asphalt of the road seethes heat in the cool drizzle.
I could press myself to it, and it would be warm like a mother’s bosom.
The asphalt is empty;
The carnival week packed up gone overnight.
Every terrible thing inside of me condenses to a tangible, potent poison in my stomach.
Self-hatred and worry like black ink on my insides. I feel it undulating in my guts–
Every contraction of my muscles oozing it around,
Blood stagnant and numbing, like in a Vicodin near-overdose,
Like it’s last summer and I’m a hundred pounds, lying dazed and near-suffocated against the door frame.
The feeling that of almost just existing is addicting.
My loose shirt does not cover my stomach completely; I’ve near outgrown it.
Abdomen mostly flat, but with a slight curve to it,
Growing more and more nervous about what’s on the inside;
Reddish brown bleeding like the ruddy rail road rocks–
Implantation bleeding?
A baby boy with jet-black hair floating in amniotic worry-poison.
The tracks curve to the right, down a tunnel overgrown,
So I stick to the hedges beside the ally beside the tracks;
Avoid small-town-everyone-knows-you.
The road to home is longest.
I wish I could see the atoms in the tree bark,
The electrons in the atoms in the tree bark;
I nearly reach out and stroke the surface,
But my fingers twist around themselves,
Back to my side,
Staying inconspicuous.
I exhale, then exhale again,
As if I could exhale inwardly,
Exhale my lungs from themselves, and the rest would follow;
My lungs would swallow me up and spirit me away.
If I broke through the stifling air barrier,
There would be world a beyond it?
I tumble in through the bedroom window;
All is vacant but for the dog and dust motes.

-Atl Coaxoch

Don’t Trust Every Holistic Rememdy Ever Taught to You


I learned an important lesson today: just because something is natural, does not mean it’s safe.
That being said, do not hold your feet over a lighter to try to kill the fungal beasts which cause athlete’s foot.
I have very little feeling in my heels to begin with because of the athlete’s foot.
All the dead and blistered skin doesn’t let me feel heat all that well, so when I did finally feel the heat, I’d already burned myself.
On to holistic remedy number two; time to soak my feet in apple cider vinegar.

The Perseids Are TONIGHT into TOMORROW!!


I’m looking forward to seeing the Perseids with my dad, my fiancé, and my to-be-sister-in-law tonight.
It’s the most brilliant meteor shower of the year, and I always make sure I get to see it.
Dad drives me into the country out past our house and we sit on the hood of the car, usually with various friends of mine in tow.
The Perseid Meteors are bits of Comet Swift-Tuttle.

Space.com wants you to know these 10 Awesome Facts about the Perseids:

1. “Perseid meteoroids (which is what they’re called while in space) are fast. They enter Earth’s atmosphere (and are then called meteors) at roughly 133,200 mph (60 kilometers per second) relative to the planet. Most are the size of sand grains; a few are as big as peas or marbles. Almost none hit the ground, but if one does, it’s called a meteorite.”

2. “Comet Swift-Tuttle, whose debris creates the Perseids, is the largest object known to make repeated passes near Earth. Its nucleus is about 6 miles (9.7 kilometers) across, roughly equal to the object that wiped out the dinosaurs.”

3. “Back in the early 1990s, astronomer Brian Marsden calculated that Swift-Tuttle might actually hit Earth on a future pass. More observations quickly eliminated all possibility of a collision. Marsden found, however, that the comet and Earth might experience a cosmic near miss (about a million miles) in 3044.”

4. “When a Perseid particle enters the atmosphere, it compresses the air in front of it, which heats up. The meteor, in turn, can be heated to more than 3,000 degrees Fahrenheit (1,650 Celsius). The intense heat vaporizes most meteors, creating what we call shooting stars. Most become visible at around 60 miles up (97 kilometers). Some large meteors splatter, causing a brighter flash called a fireball, and sometimes an explosion that can often be heard from the ground.”

5. “Comet Swift-Tuttle has many comet kin. Most originate in the distant Oort cloud, which extends nearly halfway to the next star. The vast majority never visit the inner solar system. But a few, like Swift-Tuttle, have been gravitationally booted onto new trajectories, possibly by the gravity of a passing star long ago.”

6. “Perseid meteoroids (and if you’ve been following along, you know these are things in space before they hit Earth’s atmosphere) are anywhere from 60 to 100 miles apart, even at the densest part of the river of debris left behind by comet Swift-Tuttle. That river, in fact, is more like many streams, each deposited during a different pass of the comet on its 130-year orbit around the Sun. The material drifts through space and, in fact, orbits the Sun on roughly the same path as the comet while also spreading out over time.”

7. “As Earth rotates, the side facing the direction of its orbit around the Sun tends to scoop up more space debris. This part of the sky is directly overhead at dawn. For this reason, the Perseids and other meteor showers (and also random shooting stars in general) are usually best viewed in the predawn hours.

8. “Comet Swift-Tuttle was last seen in 1992, an unspectacular pass through the inner solar system that required binoculars to enjoy. Prior to that, it had last been seen in the year it was “discovered” by American astronomers Lewis Swift and Horace Tuttle, 1862. Abraham Lincoln was president.”

9. “Swift-Tuttle’s orbit has been traced back nearly 2,000 years and is now thought to be the same comet that was observed in 188 AD and possibly even as early as 69 BC.”

10. “Swift-Tuttle is due back in 2126 (as you know now, it won’t hit us) and astronomers think it might become a spectacular naked-eye comet like Hale-Bopp. If historical calculations are correct (see Fact #9) then the 2126 appearance will mark the comet’s 3rd millennium of human observation, assuming someone is in fact around to see it.”

The Stages of Codependency


I’m not afraid to admit I’m incredibly codependent.
I used to be the world’s most independent woman until I found someone who really loved me.
It’s easy to pretend you don’t need someone when they treat you like an object,
but it’s hard not to need someone when they talked you out of killing yourself for a month solid.

Tonight my fiancé is out partying. I couldn’t go because I have much less lenient parents.
My stages of codependency go like this:

Stage 1: Preoccupation – I try to keep my mind off him at all costs.

Stage 2: Depression – I mope around missing him.

Stage 3: Neediness – I’m in physical pain because I miss him, and I have the need to hold him and kiss him.

Stage 4: Paranoia – I tell myself he really must not care for me at all and lied to me about where he’s going and who he’s with and they’re all laughing at me behind my back.

Stage 5: Anger – I think everyone else must be more important than me, and I become really obnoxious and stand-offish. (Did I mention I have moderate OCD and I can be really controlling?)

Then the vicious cycle repeats. I’ve already been through it twice tonight; I’m now on my third cycle somewhere between Stages 4 and 5.
Times like these make me wish I could still afford therapy.
I know I probably sound like a pathetic idiot, but saying all this is helping me feel better.
I had a massive breakdown last night and cried for three solid hours in which I got into a few I-guess-you-can-call-them-arguments with my fiancé, and our differing opinions on a lot of important things still terrify me. I have the urge to try to control him and force him to change his mind to make myself feel better, but I know that for one, that would never work, for two, that wouldn’t be loving him for who he really is, and for three, that would only make me a cold-hearted bitch, and I wouldn’t be happy in the end. But I’m so attached to him, that even if he did something I really disapproved of that should warrant me leaving him, I couldn’t do it. I’ve trapped myself. I’m anxious as fuck right now. Pete just went home, so I’m alone now, which scares me because I don’t do well alone, but which is okay because no matter how long I know a guy, I can’t be alone with him without being on edge, especially if he’s a lot bigger and stronger than me, which most men are. I have this paranoia regarding being sexually assaulted by one of my male best friends, especially the ones who go out of their way to tell me I’m attractive. I know they do it to try to raise my self-esteem, but really it makes me more paranoid. The nicer someone is to me, the less I trust him or her. If you’re hostile toward me, I won’t let you into my life, so you can’t hurt me. If you are nice to me, I will yet you in, and that makes me vulnerable to you. You can use anything you know about me against me.
I felt shitty today because my fiancé laughed at me when I asked him to teach me to fight. I know I’m sort of weak, but I want to learn to defend myself. I need to know how to take down someone bigger than me. Maybe I’ll just have to hide behind a taser like every other scared young woman.

I ask myself sometimes, “What makes me happy?”
The answers are generally: sex, drugs,  and food.
I probably need to re-evaluate my life, but I really haven’t the motivation for that.
I’m sorry you read my depressing ramblings, there was just no one around to listen, and no one I would have told to his or her face anyhow.

– Atl Coaxoch

Libraries Are a Treasure-Trove of Knowledge

 I finally paid my $0.20 library fee from last summer, so I can check out books again. After all the lesbian romance novels and books on knitting over the years, I doubt the librarians bat an eye at me anymore.
I put these titles on hold in the eLibrary today:

“Shamanism” – Robert M. Place ; consulting editor, Rosemary Ellen Guiley
“The World of Shamanism : New Views of an Ancient Tradition” – Roger Walsh
“Plant Spirit Shamanism : Traditional Techniques for Healing the Soul” – Ross Heaven and Howard G. Char
“The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Shamanism” – Gini Graham Scott.

In a farming community of nine square miles and eighteen churches, Shamanic teachers are a bit out of the question.
Besides my Jewish fiance and his family, I may be the only person for several miles who isn’t a Christian or atheist.

If your local library doesn’t have the sort of books you’ve been looking for, try the Prairie Cat eLibrary: https://sierra.prairiecat.info/